The Top 5 Mistakes Couples Make and How to Fix Them
Every relationship has its ups and downs, but certain mistakes can cause long-term damage if left unchecked. Many couples struggle with communication, emotional awareness, and conflict resolution, which can lead to dissatisfaction and even separation. Below, we explore the top five mistakes I see couples make when I work with my clients..
1. Not Doing Check-Ins
The Mistake: Many couples have the belief that everything is fine unless there is a problem. The assumption is that once we find someone that has similar interests and values, makes us happy, and we make that long term commitment, then we’re just good and exist throughout the duration of the relationship. This can lead to emotional distance, unmet expectations, and growing resentment over time.
The Solution: Research suggests that regular check-ins—structured conversations about the relationship—help maintain emotional connection and prevent minor issues from escalating. Studies have found that couples who engage in regular relationship check-ins report higher levels of satisfaction and intimacy.
Practical Tip: Schedule a weekly or biweekly check-in where both partners share how they are feeling about the relationship. Discuss what’s going well, any concerns, and ways to improve. One of my favorite structures is the FANOS check-in but it can be as simple as asking “are there any unmet needs you have that I can help with?”
2. Not Expressing Needs
The Mistake: Many people expect their partners to "just know" what they need. Unfortunately, mind-reading isn’t a real skill, and unspoken needs often go unmet, leading to frustration and disappointment. To make it even more complex, these unmet needs are often there before the relationship even starts. Unmet prior needs can often seep into the relationship dynamic and wreak havoc without knowing where it’s coming from.
The Solution: Expressing needs directly and clearly is essential. Research in the field of interpersonal communication shows that assertiveness leads to better relationship satisfaction. A study in Emotion found that individuals who express their needs openly experience lower stress and greater relationship security.
Practical Tip: Use “I” statements instead of accusations. For example, instead of saying, "You never help around the house," try, "I feel overwhelmed with chores and would love some help. Could we work out a better system?" If your partner expresses a need, respond by asking questions rather than getting defensive or dismissive.
3. Having Poor Conflict Resolution Skills
The Mistake: Many couples handle conflict in damaging ways, such as stonewalling, yelling, or avoiding the issue altogether. Poor conflict resolution can erode trust and emotional safety over time. The ability to handle conflict is far more valuable than the ability to avoid it.
The Solution: Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher on relationships, emphasizes the importance of healthy conflict resolution. His studies show that successful couples use constructive strategies like active listening, taking breaks when needed, and expressing concerns with respect.
Practical Tip: If your partner brings up a touchy topic, take the stance of listening to understand before you listen to respond. Assume that they are approaching you from a place of love and trust rather than a place of hurt and attack. If your partner says something that you don’t want to hear or disagree with, respond curiously with “can you tell me more about that” and try to understand why they are expressing this concern.
4. Treating Your Partner How You’d Like to Be Treated
The Mistake: While the Golden Rule is great in many areas of life, in relationships, it can backfire. Partners often have different love languages, needs, and communication styles, meaning what works for one may not work for the other.
The Solution: Dr. Gary Chapman’s research on The 5 Love Languages emphasizes the importance of understanding how your partner experiences love. While you may feel loved through words of affirmation, your partner may need acts of service to feel appreciated.
Practical Tip: Take the Love Languages quiz together and make an effort to express love in the way your partner best receives it, even if it’s different from your own preference. A very common occurrence I’ve noticed is that we tend to speak in the love language we want to receive, but not necessarily the language our partner wants to hear. Try to speak to them in their love language instead of yours.
5. Not Addressing Past Relationship Wounds
The Mistake: Unresolved trauma from past relationships—whether from childhood, past partners, or even early relationship struggles—can manifest in present dynamics. Without addressing these wounds, they often lead to trust issues, fear of vulnerability, and recurring conflicts. This is commonly when the “it’s not about you” statement is true. One example is if you grew up in a household where love was conditional, you might only feel loved by your partner if you do something good, and feel unloved if you make a mistake.
The Solution: Research in attachment theory suggests that self-awareness and emotional healing are key to healthy relationships. Identify some of your attachment styles and dynamics to better understand why you react or interpret things in your current relationship.
Practical Tip: If past wounds are affecting your relationship, consider seeking individual or couples therapy. You can also take an attachment style quiz to identify what your attachment style is and how it explains some of your actions and thoughts.
Final Thoughts
Every couple faces challenges, but awareness and proactive effort can transform a struggling relationship into a thriving one. By implementing these evidence-based strategies, couples can improve communication, strengthen emotional connection, and build a lasting, fulfilling partnership.