FANOS Check-in
If you were to ask me the number one thing that all couples should be doing but don’t, the answer would be checking in with one another on a regular basis. Check-ins aren’t just for when things are rocky, but also to make sure things stay going well and be more proactive as needs in the relationship change. If things aren’t going well, do 2-3 check-ins a week. If things are going ok, do a check-in once every week or two. If things are going great, do a check-in once a month to make sure you stay on this positive path.
Healthy communication is the foundation of a strong relationship, and one effective way to maintain emotional connection is through a FANOS check-in. This simple yet powerful tool helps couples share openly, listen deeply, and foster trust in their relationship.
What is a FANOS Check-In?
FANOS is an acronym that guides structured communication between partners. Each letter represents a key area to discuss:
F – Feelings: Share how you’re feeling emotionally. One good way to make sure you are expressing a feeling is to remember that feelings are usually one or two words, beliefs and perceptions are usually complete statements. For example, “I feel like you’re not paying attention to me” is not a feeling, it’s a perception. “I feel sad” is the emotion attached to the perception of not being heard.
A – Affirmations: Express appreciation for your partner. Don’t just assume that your partner knows that you appreciate them, if they’ve done something that you liked, tell them.
N – Needs: Communicate any needs you have, whether emotional, physical, or practical. Unmet needs are relationship killers, ask your partner if they have any needs that need meeting and if you can assist in any way.
O – Ownership: Take responsibility for something, such as a mistake or an area of personal growth. “I’m sorry, I was wrong to say/do that” is such a powerful statement of humility and reparation. Being wrong isn’t a problem, being wrong and refusing to admit it is a problem
S – Sobriety/Struggles: This can relate to sobriety (if applicable) or anything you’re struggling with at the time.
S- Successes: This can be an optional component or one that can at times replace sharing a struggle. Successes feel good, they feel even better when they are celebrated with a loved one.
How to Conduct a FANOS Check-In
To ensure a meaningful and structured check-in, follow these rules:
Schedule It – Decide on a time that works for both partners. If one or both partners cannot do it at the scheduled time, it must be rescheduled within two days to maintain consistency.
Partner A Goes First – One partner (Partner A) starts by going through the FANOS process, sharing their thoughts on each category.
Active Listening – While Partner A speaks, Partner B must actively listen without interrupting. This means no interjecting, correcting, or offering solutions—just listening with full attention.
Partner B’s Turn – Once Partner A has completed their turn, Partner B shares their own FANOS check-in. Partner A must also listen without interruption.
No Immediate Responses or Debates – The purpose of FANOS is to share and listen, not to debate or resolve conflicts immediately. If something needs further discussion, it can be addressed separately at an agreed-upon time.
End with Gratitude – Conclude the check-in with a moment of gratitude or appreciation for each other’s honesty and presence.
Why FANOS Works
It creates a safe space for open dialogue.
It promotes active listening and empathy.
It helps couples stay emotionally connected and build trust.
It allows for regular check-ins on personal and relational well-being.
By following these guidelines, FANOS check-ins can become a meaningful ritual that strengthens your relationship over time. Give it a try and see how it improves your communication and emotional connection!