In a Relationship? These 5 Quizzes Are Game-Changers!
There are multiple dynamics that lead to a happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationship. Identifying these dynamics is a pretty easy task, communicate openly, express your love and appreciation, be emotionally available, and the list goes on. The place where couples often fall short is not that they aren’t familiar with this list, but in the ‘how’ we do this. It’s one thing to say “communicate with your partner more” or “make sure they feel loved”, it’s a better thing to say “here’s how you communicate”. Before one can even attempt these tasks, it’s important to understand not only the dynamics that affect you and how you move through life, but also how your partner’s dynamics. Below I’ve listed five different quizzes, what they aim to explore, and how you can use this new information.
Attachment Style Quiz
Purpose of This Quiz
This quiz aims to identify your attachment style, more specifically if you have a form of a secure or insecure attachment style. This is probably the most common dynamic I see when couples experience conflict. Someone with an anxious attachment style might annoy a partner if they are over communicative, send excessive texts, or ask for reassurance too often. If you understand your partner’s need for excessive validation, you can be more prepared to discuss their concerns with them without reacting negatively.
How to use the Results
Your attachment style can better explain the intention behind certain behaviors or thoughts. If someone with an avoidant attachment style tends to become distant with their partner, it’s easy for that partner to take it personally and react accordingly. Instead of hearing “I’m pushing you away”, a partner can better understand this as “I push everything away”. Once this aspect is uncovered, the couple can better discuss the fears they have with each other armed with more understanding and empathy.
Exercise
After taking the quiz, identify a time that an insecure attachment style showed up in an interaction with your partner. For example: “My partner left for a work trip and I texted him every ten minutes to make sure he was ok and he got really annoyed at me.” Identify the fears you had and a more constructive way to challenge those fears.
Why it Matters
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. While most people have the best of protective intentions in relationships, these behaviors, when not understood, can often lead to conflict. If a couple already has limited conflict resolution skills, these misunderstandings can be a breeding ground for strife.
Love Language Quiz
Purpose of this Quiz
This quiz aims to find out how you prefer to receive and give messages and expressions of love. The quiz outlines the five languages that we speak in when expressing and receiving love.
How to use the Results
This one can be a little more self explanatory in the “identify your partner’s language and speak to them in that language.” The biggest problem I see with love languages is this: we tend to speak in our love language to our partner, even if it’s not their love language. This would be like primarily speaking English to someone that speaks a little English, but is fluent in another language. You’ll usually get the point across, but there will be things that are missed and lost in the exchange.
Exercise
Once you and your partner identify your top one or two love languages, create a list of things you think your partner would like in alignment with their preferred language(you can also ask your partner to collaborate on this list). Then, set some kind of reminder to intentionally engage in one of their preferred languages at least once a week. For example, if your partner’s love language is words of affirmation and yours is acts of service, when you have the urge to clean the kitchen before they get home from work, write a small note and tape it to the door they use when they come home from work.
Why it Matters
I hear this all the time, “I don’t know why my partner is unhappy with me, I went out of my way to show them my love and appreciation.” The problem often is that they were following the Golden Rule, which doesn’t always work in relationships. If I cleaned the house while my partner was at work instead of planning a date night, they may not fully appreciate my acts of service and notice the lack of quality time more.
Apology Language Quiz
Purpose of this Quiz
Similar to the Love Language quiz, this quiz aims to identify how you best receive apologies. After the quiz, you’ll be able to apologize for transgressions in the most effective way with your partner.
How to use the Results
Once you and your partner take the quiz, compare your answers. Once you have a better understanding of your partner’s apology language, identify a time that you tried to apologize for something that maybe didn’t go well. Identify the apology language you used and see if it matches your partner’s apology language. In the future, refer to the quiz answers the next time you attempt an apology.
Exercise
After an apology, ask your partner how they felt when you adjusted your apology per their language. Offer affirmations when you see your partner trying to apologize more in alignment with your preferred language, these affirmations increase the likelihood that they’ll apologize sooner and better in the future.
Why it Matters
An apology can either greatly repair a rupture, or make things worse. Things like tone, environment, content, and style can greatly affect if an apology will be received, or rejected. Ruptures in relationships are not the biggest problem, a lack of reparation is the biggest problem.
Gottman Love Quiz
Purpose of this Quiz
This quiz aims to see how well you know your partner. It addresses things about your partner we often don’t think about and creates a good structure to learn more about your partner in meaningful ways.
How to use the Results
Identify the parts of your partner that you don’t know much about and create structured times to learn more about them. Feeling heard and understood is such an important part of emotional intimacy. If you’re able to do the “little things” with well thought out intention, a small gesture can make a profound difference.
Exercise
Find a list of questions you can ask your partner and pick a few each week that you don’t have the answer to and have your partner do the same. Go through each question and ask your partner how they’d answer, ask clarifying questions, and inquire why certain things are important to them. Make sure to address concerns if your partner does not know something you think they should know, express your feelings, and offer gratitude that they are making attempts to get to know you better.
Why it Matters
Feeling heard and seen is such a missing piece of a lot of my clients. They say that they don’t feel important, heard, validated, or seen. By knowing your partner better, you can not only help them heal from past hurts, but also strengthen your relationship in deeper and more meaningful ways.
ACEs Quiz
Purpose of this Quiz
The Adverse Childhood Experiences(ACEs) quiz is designed to identify experiences from childhood that often have long lasting effects on people throughout their adult lives. There is a lot of research and literature on the effects of a high ACEs score and can often explain certain phenomena that regularly impacts relationships
How to use the Results
The results can offer insight to how your childhood experiences shape how you interact in the world. By identifying some deficits and potentially traumatic experiences, you can be better equipped to find the best possible solutions for concerns you may have.
Exercise
After receiving your results, check out Dr. Nadine Burke-Harris’s TED Talk. This video sheds light on a much bigger problem that we often don’t attribute to an adverse or traumatic childhood like physical health problem.
Why it Matters
This quiz is not a relationship specific quiz, but can be incredibly useful for anyone in a relationship. Since our childhood experiences shape how we view ourselves, people, and the world around us, they directly impact how we act in relationships. If we can identify some of the origins of an insecure attachment style and discuss this with our partner, we can invite them into one of the most intimate and fulfilling relationship dynamics.
Conclusion
One of the biggest problems I see when working with my clients is this: people don’t realize that a relationship is not something to take a passive approach to and at no point can you just coast. There are times that check-ins will become less frequent, you have a really good grasp of who your partner is, have aligned values, and genuinely enjoy being with each other. To get to this place takes time, energy, empathy, and practice. While there are several very effective approaches to help a struggling relationship, taking a more proactive approach is not only often easier, but can be more effective.