Are you a People Pleaser?

Do any of these statements apply to you?

“I’m always the last one to get their needs met.”

“I feel really good when I put others first.”

“I have trouble saying no.”

“I do anything to avoid conflict or upsetting people.”

“My mood often depends on the moods of the people around me.”

If you said yes to one or more of these statements, there’s a good chance you’re a people pleaser.  The good news is that this behavior can often create strong relationships, give you a sense of identity, and you’re generally viewed favorably by others.  The bad news is that it often means that your self-care suffers, you can start resenting other people, and it can exacerbate some negative views of yourself like “I’m not worth it” or “everyone else is more important than I am.”

Where do these behaviors come from?

At some point, you probably got something you wanted or positive feedback when you behaved selflessly.  You were called selfless, a team player, or easy to get along with.  This probably felt good and you learned that one way to receive compliments was to please others.  While this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, people-pleasing is only one tool in your emotional toolbox.  When there’s one main technique we use to feel good, the other tools get left unused.  No carpenter is as good when they only use a hammer.

What happens when people pleasing doesn’t work or causes more harm than good?

People-pleasers often have a strong need to fix things or make other people happy.  What happens when they can’t fix the problem?  People-pleasers can often hear “You weren’t good enough”, “You did the wrong thing”, or “This was your fault.”  One thing I often tell my clients is that they are ultimately in charge of regulating their emotions and not to rely solely on others for their happiness.  If harmful core beliefs are fed, they only grow and cause adverse emotional responses.  If you’re not aware of what’s feeding them and inadvertently feed them with these behaviors, it’s time to examine that. 

People-pleasers often have “if-then” beliefs that guide their behavior.  For example, “If I just give in and say yes to my partner’s request, then they’ll be happy with me and I’m being a good partner.”  This isn’t necessarily bad, but when this is done too often, can cause problems.  What might happen later is something like this: “I said yes to them but they’re still unhappy, I must’ve done something wrong.”  If their partner is unhappy for other reasons, the people-pleaser will often try harder and harder to fix a problem that’s not theirs to fix.  This would be like filling up a cup with a hole in the bottom, no amount of water will fill that cup, and continuing to pour water will only make a mess.

What can you do about it?

Express your wants and opinions

-Learn to not only express what you want but also learn that expressing needs isn’t a bad thing.  

Get comfortable with saying no

-Since people-pleasers have trouble saying no, it’s a good tip to consider that when you say yes to one thing, you’re also saying no to another.  If I tell someone that I’ll pick them up from the airport, I’m also saying no to any other request during that time.

Ask for help

People-pleasers have created habits that may be hard to break.  If you tend to say “whatever you want” when asked for your opinion, ask a friend or loved one to point out these habits in real time.  This could be as simple as “When you ask me where I want to eat, please repeat ‘no, where do you want to eat’ if I respond with my usual.”

Identify the source

This is where counseling can be helpful.  A licensed professional can help identify where these habits came from, learn about the beliefs that guide these behaviors, and create healthier thoughts and behaviors.

If you are dealing with the negative side effects of being a people-pleaser, it’s never too late to find a more balanced way to live.