You are not your behavior
I was recently working with a client who is doing amazing work in his recovery and has maintained abstinence from any problematic sexual behaviors for over a year. He and his wife have been seeing a couples counselor and their marriage has improved immensely since he started therapy. He went from not being able to identify his feelings to being able to identify them, communicate how he feels, and manage stressors in more appropriate and adaptive ways. He attends a group weekly, continues to do daily recovery work, and is in a better place mentally and emotionally than he’s ever been. On paper, this guy is doing great and is definitely a success story most would love to have. The problem is, that he still feels a great deal of shame for his past behaviors. He, like a lot of people, struggles with forgiving himself and moving to a place where he doesn’t feel so bad on a daily basis for his past behaviors. We were discussing this and I told him “You are not your behavior.” He started to tear up and said that he needed to hear that. For so long he defined himself by his behaviors and despite having made incredible progress, he still felt trapped by his previous life.
Transformations like these are not uncommon and you can hear stories of people like Megan Phelps-Roper who completely transformed herself from holding hateful signs at funerals to becoming an activist for positive change.
How does someone stop experiencing such immense feelings of shame, guilt, and remorse after they’ve done something they’re not proud of? Here are a few activities and exercises you can try if you’re struggling with forgiving yourself for past behaviors.
Understand what forgiveness is
Forgiveness is not condoning an action or behavior, it’s not explaining what happened, and it’s not making excuses. Forgiveness simply means that you will no longer harbor anger or resentment towards someone. That’s it, that’s all there is to the definition. This doesn’t mean that you have forgotten what has happened, but that you’re no longer going to beat yourself up for something in the past. While it might be impossible to never feel angry at yourself for a past action, too much anger can lead to more problems.
Figure out what you’re trying to do with the negative emotions
It’s such a common belief that if we just punish the bad behavior harshly enough, it’ll eventually stop and be replaced with good behavior. The issue with this stance, other than it doesn’t work, is that it assumes that we already have the skills and ability to employ healthier coping skills despite never having learned them. This is the reason that prison systems employ psychiatrists, counselors, social workers, case managers, and other support staff to help those in the system learn the skills necessary to exist outside prison walls. Emotions are like ingredients for a meal. Most people would say that salt and butter aren’t exactly healthy foods, without them, certain meals just wouldn’t taste right.
What would you tell a friend
I love this exercise. Imagine a good friend or loved one approached you and said something like this, “I used to struggle with [insert your past behavior/addiction here] and while I’m in a much better place, I just feel like such a bad person for what I’ve done.” What would you tell them? How would you treat them? Chances are, you’d offer them compassion and grace and celebrate the progress more than punish the past behavior. I have a rule with my clients that if they wouldn’t put up with me treating them a certain way, they’re not allowed to treat themselves the same way.
Understand where the behavior came from
This is where therapy can be immensely helpful. Addiction is often born from trauma, unmet needs, and a skills deficit. I remember a psychologist once said this during a trauma training, “You acted normally in an abnormal situation.” We act much differently in survival mode than we do in a calm situation. One curse of trauma is that it often teaches us that safe situations are perceived to be dangerous. I like to think of problematic behaviors as similar to what you would do if you haven’t had any water for a couple of days and you see a stream up the path. You’re likely not thinking much about the cleanliness of the water, the potential for illness, or any other dangers while approaching the stream. If you drink the water and later have stomach issues, it’s easy to say in hindsight that it was a bad choice. This is often how problematic behaviors occur, we have a severe unmet need and the instant gratification of an action or substance sounds pretty good. We engage in that behavior, feel good, then feel bad, and put ourselves right back into that cycle. This is a topic that could take several articles to cover and not even scratch the surface. If you’re interested in exploring this more, look for a licensed mental health professional to get started.
Play the script out
This is a very popular exercise to allow someone to see some long-term effects of their actions and thoughts. You write a script or describe a story of what would likely happen if you did something. For this topic, imagine what your life would look like if you kept treating yourself poorly, called yourself names, and believed that you were a bad person. This would likely manifest itself as low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and other unfavorable outcomes. If you were to bet on the likelihood of a happy person versus a depressed person to engage in unhealthy behavior, it’s an easy bet to make. Imagine how you want your life to look like and start the behaviors and thoughts needed for that today.
I hope this article was helpful if you’re struggling with forgiving yourself for things that have happened in the past. Please find a way to forgive yourself.