Why Doesn’t My Partner Understand Me?
If there was one thing I’d change to improve a relationship, it would likely be communication skills. We are meaning-making individuals which means we create interpretations for a variety of reasons and sometimes in the blink of an eye. It can also be frustrating when those around us are not feeling the same as us when going through the same issue and talking about it isn’t helping. I work a lot with men who have issues with porn or sex and are doing what they can to repair the relationship. I very often hear this:
“My wife is just sad and upset and she doesn’t understand why I’m not sad with her, but I am! I tell her I am but she doesn’t believe me!”
I’d like to address one big problem not only in relationships that are trying to mend from some kind of rupture but really any relationship out there. There’s a gap between the intent of someone’s message and the interpretation by the listener. Between what is said and what is heard can be an area for conflict if not properly attended to. How can we best navigate this space so both people in a relationship feel heard, validated, and understood? I’ve provided some tips and guidelines to help you and your partner narrow that space and get on the same page.
Set up regular and structured talks
One of my favorite ways to do this is the FANOS check-in. This is a structured check-in that covers some bases otherwise missed when just saying “How are you doing?”. The rules I like to implement for the FANOS check-in are:
-Each person gets to do their part without the other interrupting or disagreeing with something said.
-Set a time limit if things tend to get heated and don’t be afraid to take breaks. Taking a break and returning to it later is like walking for a minute during a run. If you keep running when your body needs a break, you’re likely to cause more harm than good.
-Set up a time after each person’s turn to address anything that was said.
-Have a system in place where both parties can have space to themselves if a break is needed. Depending on how heated things may get, have someone you can call after the check-in if support is needed.
-If someone says something that you don’t agree with, assume they are being truthful and ask questions. Don’t assume they’re wrong and go on the defensive. Even if what your partner is saying is wrong, they are unlikely to change their stance if they are attacked or met with resistance.
Don’t just do check-ins for difficult conversations
I’ve often heard “Here we go again” when someone says, “I think we need to talk.” If the only time you check in with each other is for a difficult reason, check-ins are more likely to not happen. This can be as simple as checking in and asking your partner about something positive that happened during their day. Another thing you can do is to schedule times for regular affirmations. Since Words of Affirmation is one of the Five Love Languages, it’s possible that your appreciation for your partner goes largely unnoticed.
Ask questions first
If you interpreted something that was said or done in a way that created a negative emotional response, ask your partner what they meant. For example, if you told your spouse that you got an award or promotion at work and they said “Oh that’s nice” without looking up from their phone, you might think they don’t care or don’t think it’s a big deal. Instead of saying “You don’t care about me and my job” ask them, “When I told you about my promotion, it seemed like you weren’t very excited and I felt a little pushed aside. Is that what you meant by your comment?” Then your partner has the opportunity to answer your question rather than defend themselves from an attack. If they said “I’m so sorry, I am excited, I was just reading this email about layoffs at work and my mind was elsewhere, I’m sorry. I am excited for you and very proud of you.” If we go about it this way, we can avoid a lot of negative consequences.
Have rules and commit to following them
When communicating, there needs to be rules set in place and those rules respected by both parties. Some rules I recommend are:
-Having a word or phrase that signals that one or both of you are getting overly stressed or dysregulated and it’s time for a break. If your partner uses the word you have to respect it and take 5-10 minutes to cool down, even if you don’t agree that things are getting heated. Your mind operates more effectively at happy vs stressed or neutral. If a timeout helps you calm down, you’re more likely to get better results.
-If your partner did something that hurt you, you can tell them that you feel a certain way but you can’t attack them back. People often feel justified in hurting others when they feel hurt but this rarely if ever solves the problem.
-If you feel like you can’t express something without getting too dysregulated, write it down and read it. This allows you to not only organize your thoughts but helps you stay on topic.
Identify why you react the way you do
This is often where therapy comes into play. A client once said “When things aren’t going well I tend to get really verbally aggressive. I don’t know why and I hate that part of me.” Upon further questioning, we found out that this was modeled to her growing up. She would always see her mom get loud when things didn’t go well and it made her and her siblings get quiet. She equated yelling with getting what she wanted. After exploring this more, she was able to communicate more effectively with her partner. The paradox of yelling is the louder we get, the more the other person usually shuts down. Your reactions could be trauma reactions. Even if your trauma is in your past, doesn’t mean it’s not affecting your present. Your aggressive reaction may have served a purpose in the past but if it’s no longer fixing the problem, it’s time to change
One of the most important, if not the most, is that you and your partner are on the same page. If you’re having difficulty doing so, it might be time to contact a licensed mental health professional.