How to support someone who betrayed you
Most of the clients that I see are either in a relationship or have a close relationship with someone in their support system. Someone’s success in therapy can be greatly impacted by the support around them. It can also be difficult for those supports as it can be mentally and emotionally taxing to care for and support someone else. This can be especially difficult if that person who needs support is also someone who hurt you. So how can you support this person while also navigating the hurt they caused you? Here are some guidelines, suggestions, and rules to follow to make sure all parties involved grow as much as possible.
Set up some rules
While it’s very common to lash out and be hurtful when someone is hurt, it rarely helps both parties in the long run. I urge my clients to have some rules and permissions in place when things get heated:
Set up scheduled times to discuss touchy subjects
I often hear “I don’t want to bring it up because if we’re in a good place, why bring things down? If we’re in a bad place, why make things worse?” This is why having a set time to discuss things is important because it ensures that important conversations are being held and allows both parties to make any necessary preparations.
If one or both aren’t in a space to have that discussion, reschedule it within a few days.
Allow a system for breaks and separate spaces
Come up with a word or phrase that signals to the other that you are either getting heated, or you notice them getting heated. The rule is that both get to use this word and it must respected. This means that you can’t say “I’m not getting heated” or “you’re overreacting”. Both parties also agree to not abuse this rule as an avoidance technique. This is designed to let the conversation be the most effective as your mind operates most effectively at happy versus stressed or neutral.
Have something you can go to to help ground yourself if you do find yourself getting emotionally dysregulated.
Set permissions and restrictions
These can be difficult but the more you adhere to these, the more likely you’ll get a positive outcome. Some permissions include: you’re allowed to be hurt, betrayed, upset, angry, scared, sad, or frustrated. Some restrictions include yelling, insulting, gaslighting, name-calling, and anything else with the intent to hurt. While I often hear “You hurt me so I’m allowed to lash out!”, it so rarely makes things better other than a very temporary cathartic reaction. If you find yourself engaging in these restrictions, it may be beneficial to explore this further with a professional.
Follow a structure for discussions
“I don’t even know how to talk about this stuff.” These kinds of conversations are difficult and rarely ones that we’ve been taught to do. For that reason, I suggest finding a structure or outline so that some of the main concerns are addressed. One of my favorite structures is the FANOS Check-In.
Set time limits for certain things like venting, a specific topic, or other topics that can be emotionally draining.
Have a support system for you
While the other party may need you at times for support, you also need support and it can be very difficult to receive support from a person who hurt or betrayed you. Depending on the nature of the hurt, it can be helpful to find others who have shared experiences. For example, I work mostly with men who struggle with porn and sex addiction, and other problematic sexual behavior. There are very good professional and peer-led support groups for this exact topic. One that I suggest is finding an APSAT therapist or coach.
See a therapist yourself
This is a tough one. The most common reason hurt partners reject therapy is the “I didn’t do anything wrong, why should I go to therapy?” response. Here’s the catch, therapy isn’t a punishment. Therapy is a tool to help you become the version of yourself so that you can experience life in the most fulfilling ways possible. A better explanation comes in the form of a car accident. If you were driving to work and someone ran a red light and hit your car, you didn’t cause it, but you do have a problem. You can’t say “I shouldn’t have to take my car into the body shop, I didn’t cause the wreck!” and expect your car to repair itself. While the other driver does have a big part in this accident, refusing to do anything won’t fully remedy the situation. I had a conversation with a colleague about this and to the question of “why should I go to therapy?” she very bluntly said, “Because you’re experiencing PTSD symptoms!” A lot of therapy clients are in therapy because they were hurt at some point in their life through no fault of their own.
Learn empathy skills
This is also a tough one. Empathy is the ability to feel what the other person is feeling through their eyes, not yours. I often hear partners say “How could they do this to me?!?” This is such a valid and at times difficult question to answer. Experiencing empathy can explain some actions but I always remind my clients that explaining doesn’t equal condoning. It can offer some solace to understand why someone kept something a secret if they’ve experienced trauma and been taught to “keep to yourself” since childhood. Experiencing empathy can also encourage the other party to do the same. It’s a little easier of a pill to swallow to understand why someone is acting a certain way and can take the edge off at times.
Set some boundaries
You are allowed to say “I don’t want to talk about this right now”, “I need some space”, and “I need to express my needs.” Especially if you feel the need to please the people around you, boundaries are essential for everyone involved. Give yourself permission to be selfish at times, say no, and make uncomfortable requests. Without healthy boundaries, you can be at risk of denying your own emotions, being gaslit, and having your emotional state deteriorate.
Explore other resources
If I have a client who was discovered for sexual acting out, I suggest that there are three therapists involved. My client sees a therapist, their partner sees a therapist, and they both see a therapist for couple’s work. I know this isn’t always plausible for time and money restrictions but some low-cost services, groups, podcasts, and peer-led services can help.
This isn’t an easy journey but there’s one common goal that my clients and their partners have. They don’t want to hurt anymore. They want to be able to trust, to not have triggers, and to bring their relationship to the best place it can be. If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulty supporting their partner, I hope this article offers some helpful advice.