Lead with Hope

You want something better and you might know where to start, but how do you start?  There are several factors that can help or hinder someone’s personal growth whether that be towards goals in therapy, a health journey, or just overall personal improvement.  The dynamic this article will focus on is that of hope and optimism.  By this, I’m referring to the belief that a positive outcome is not only possible but probable.

There’s a trauma impact rating scale called the PCL-5 where someone can rate the effect a trauma has and is having on their overall level of functioning.  The scores range from 0-80 with 80 being the most severe trauma impact.  When I worked in community mental health, we’d use this scale when doing CPT(Cognitive Processing Therapy) which is a trauma-focused therapy.  In the first session, I would provide them with the PCL-5 and have an introductory session describing how this process will work.  Very little if any actual therapy was done.  They’ll often have pretty high scores(in the 60s and 70s) in the initial PCL-5.  Session two rolls around and I have them complete the scale and this curious phenomenon would occur.  Their scores dropped 10-20 points since session one!  Remember, session one was largely psychoeducational and the real therapy starts in session two.  How does it happen that these scores had such a drastic change?  I asked a client and their response was, “Just knowing that I’m starting therapy gives me the knowledge that I’m starting the work I’ve been waiting so long for.”  Just knowing that a solution was there and that they had access to it reduced their symptoms.  This is the power of optimism.

Now, the skeptic may say, “You can’t just tell someone to be optimistic, especially when they’ve been through so much.”  This statement is accurate.  There’s a difference between telling someone to be optimistic and telling them how to be optimistic. So how do we accomplish this?  Here are a few solid steps for increasing optimism and hope.

Do Solid Research

This can be difficult.  For every article saying “do X to achieve Y,” there’s likely another article that says “Don’t do X, and here’s why.”  How do we know who to listen to?  An important thing to consider is the evidence behind a statement.  This includes the credentials and education of the source, legitimate studies and research to support this, and ask if there is an ulterior motive to the information provided.  I’m always a little leary of articles pushing one method and they conveniently have a link to their store for the supplement or method they promote.

Find Anecdotal Evidence

A lot of my clients believe that what they’re going through is unique only to them, however when I do intakes, I often hear very similar stories.  I hear about children who didn’t get the love and attention they needed as a child, weren’t told that it’s ok to make mistakes, faced severe punishment for nominal things, and grew up in extremely rigid environments.  These people with similar experiences are out there and a lot of them have shared their story.  You can find these stories in books, blogs, podcasts, and support groups.  To be told, “You’re not alone and I’m living proof that recovery is possible” can often give that little bit of hope, and a little bit of hope is all someone needs.

Look at the Research

As a licensed professional counselor, I utilized modalities and interventions that have been rigorously tested and retested.  I use these techniques because the literature says they work.  It’s of course not 100% effective, but it often leads to at least some, if not a lot, of growth and peace.  See what the most effective treatment is and find a provider that is skilled in that treatment.  If you knew that 90% of clients that engage in a certain therapy modality experience progress, it can be encouraging to know the likelihood of success.

How Accurate are your Beliefs?

A part of any kind of growth is operating from a healthy skeptical standpoint.  We don’t like to admit that we’re wrong but there’s so much more learning to be had in mistakes than successes.  Identify a belief you have about something and list the evidence you have to support that belief.  If that evidence won’t hold up in court, it might be time to identify a healthier and more accurate belief.  For example, I’ll often hear something like “I think people are always judging me.”  If asked for evidence they often say “I don’t know, just the way they look at me I guess, it just feels like they’re judging me.”  You’d get dismissed in court if you said “Your honor, I believe this man stole from me, just look at him, I just feel like he’s a thief.”  If you can’t support your belief with solid evidence, there’s a good chance it’s causing some harm.  If you can do this with one maladaptive belief, this can give you hope that you can repeat this progress.

Know how to Measure Progress

There’s a reason they tell you not to look at the number on the scale every day on your weight loss journey, it’s not a good indication of weight loss since weight fluctuates daily.  You either look at the number and log it(and don’t get frustrated if you are heavier), weigh once a week, or cover up the number if you have a smart scale that sends the number to an app.  The same goes for your mental health.  After a few months of a journey, think about something that happened that week that upset you and how you reacted/coped.  Now imagine that same thing happened 3 months ago and think about how you’d handle it back then.  When we put some time in between, it’s much easier to notice progress made than day-to-day monitoring.  Seeing the progress you’ve made can increase your optimism that similar work will yield even more results.

Have Realistic Expectations

Think of a sports movie about a team that won every game and won the championship.  Pretty boring huh?  Good progress doesn’t happen on a straight line and not only knowing that rough days/weeks will happen, but knowing what to do when that happens.  I had one client say “When we first started, I felt really good about things but lately I just feel angry after sessions.”  I told them that this was normal and was likely signaling something.  After we discussed it, they acknowledged that they were trying the same thing to solve a problem and it was making them increasingly angry.  Negative emotions are not to be avoided but listened to and learned from.

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Comparison is the best friend of low self-esteem.  Not only can it be dangerous, but it’s also not a fair assessment.  I once heard, “I had to stop comparing my insides to other people’s outsides.”  I loved this phrase.  When we have a negative narrative running around in our minds, we’ll find evidence to support it.  If we think we’re worthless, we can very easily see a social media post and think “My friend John really has it all together, look how happy he looks, what a great life he has.”  What we may be ignoring is what John is experiencing on the inside, the sacrifices he might’ve had to make to afford that vacation, and what things look like that don’t get posted on social media.  Instead of comparing yourself to others, have conversations with those close to you.  Hearing stories of what’s really going on can normalize what you’re going through and offer that reassurance that you’re not alone.

My suggestion for making the most amount of progress you can is to assume that growth is possible and find reasons why you’re right.  Whatever narrative we have running around in our heads is often the narrative we feed.  If you want growth, feed the hopeful narrative.