How to Help
When it comes to helping those around us, we usually have the best of intentions, but often fall short. I’ll go over some important things to consider when we are trying to help.
Before I talk about these considerations, I want you to think about a time you tried your best to help someone only to get the opposite result. What are some things you would do differently? What surprised you about the result? Did you get any feedback? Did you ask for any?
I remember there was a case manager I worked with who did EVERYTHING for his clients. He would drive them around, fill out applications for them, make phone calls, send out reminder texts, hang out and play games with them, and more. For a lot of these clients, they LOVED IT. These were the difficult things they struggled with and to have someone take care of them sounded great. The problem came when this case manager clocked out at the end of the day, was busy with another client, or it was the weekend. The clients became so dependent on him that they never learned the skills to solve problems on their own. While this example may seem obvious, we often do things that give us similar results.
The first aspect of a good helping relationship is having clearly defined boundaries and staying in your lane. Whether this is a professional relationship or helping a friend out, boundaries are important for both the helper and helped. I like to think of this like items in your kitchen, everything has a designated location and each kitchen tool has a designated purpose. When your role is clearly defined and you stay in that role, the person you are helping knows where to go and how to utilize that help.
Next, you need to ask yourself a few questions:
-What are the short, mid, and long-term goals of this person?
-What’s worked in the past?
-I’ll ask “What’s your ideal response when asking for help?”
-In professional settings, what would happen if a client wanted a session but you’re not able to for several weeks?
In the answers to these questions, you should find some good guidelines to aid you in your efforts to help.
A helpful resource for the long-term aspect of recovery is the very famous Stanford Marshmallow Experiment. The short version of the results is that delayed gratification very often leads to bigger rewards down the road. Rome wasn’t built in a day for a reason, and neither should your mental and emotional health.
Now let’s think about the qualities someone might look for in a good helper. You can be the world’s leading expert in a topic, but if the intangibles aren’t there, you might have a difficult time connecting with someone. Consider the following qualities and ask yourself this question, “if a client of mine were asked about these qualities, what would they say?” Some of these qualities include:
-Be Transparent
-Be Honest
-Admit when you are wrong and apologize when necessary
-Be Professional
-This includes returning calls, being on time, and eliminating distractions
-Develop Rapport
When we are trying to help someone, we’re also trying to sell them something. We’re selling an idea, a different way of thinking, or a request to give something up. When trying to help someone adopt something new, it’s important to understand why people make changes. Simon Sinek has a great TED Talk outlining that “People don’t buy what you do, they buy why you do it”. If the person you are helping knows why you are doing or saying something, they are more receptive to those messages.
I won’t list all of these qualities here but Bruce Wampold outlines some qualities that effective therapists have. Some of the main qualities I’ve found to be helpful are as follows:
-Verbal fluency
-Affective modulation and effectiveness
-Empathy
-Focus on the other
-Influential and convincing
I hope that this helps you when it’s your turn to help. If there’s anything I missed, feel free to email me at GaryHominickCounseling@gmail.com and I’ll update this article as appropriate.